my life & things i share |
Well a house fire in September holidays, losing friends, gaining them, trusting people and losing people. I had a guy almost cheat on me so I broke up with him before he could hurt me even though it still did hurt. then his best friend and I were together but not officially before one of my best guy friends asked me out. I gave it a good long hard think but I said yes, I must say it was the best relationship I ever had but in the last week of the relationship I was getting bad anxiety and I didn't know why but I always trust my gut. so unfortunately, I broke up with him and I hope that he has a good life and I’m very sorry. My anxiety, stress and unfortunately depression levels are higher than I would like them to be so it’s like I am always treading on either sharp chopped glass or walking along fresh hot coals, always giving everything second thoughts, and trusting very few. so, I guess you could say my life has been a whirlwind in just the past few months, New years started with me crying out my emotions as I had no one to spend it with to just a fit of anger to dancing for an hour to reflect and mirror those emotions. I want to thank those that have come and gone in my life for either the right or wrong ways.
I re-read my some of my diary entries on the weekend that has just passed and may I say to myself I am one fucked up person in the head. The stuff that I always write are my raw emotions I write them in the moment or when needed, whether it’s positive or negative. One thing that I wrote a lot while I was looking back through it was “I wish life would be like a fairy-tale or the perfect book/movie. Life is amazing then you have your major problem but you overcome it and then its happy forever after” I wish because my life is a rollercoaster and life plays with my emotions more that I like, cause for god sake I am a teenager girl and we all have our problems but there is usually something major going on that we dismiss like it’s not that bad or someone will ask if we are okay and I usually say I’m fine because if I say no then questions will be asked I do not want to be looked at differently then I should be or want to be.
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Please forgive me as it feels like forever since the last time I posted and I can tell you a heck of a lot has happened between then and now.
In this massive time gap I have met a guy and he has helped me so much that it is indescribable, at the beginning of the year I was with this guy Noah that I met on a holiday trip and we clicked instantly. I never really talked about him and no one knew who he was apart from a very select few but earlier in the year Noah became very distant all of a sudden and his friends started abusing me saying that he has changed and that I need to get in contact with him which I was doing without them always talking to me. his friends started saying really mean things to me and started talking about things that were private to me but I had told Noah and they were using it against me. After that incident, I don’t trust people that easily, I am now really cautious with what I say and who it is to, I can openly say that Noah destroyed me. Then one day my notifications started blowing up and I had someone dm asking if we could catch up. It turned out that I had meant this guy before, we became close but I was really careful. I am open to put this on the internet as I am trying new things and trying to dream big. This guy is older than me but we talk every day, he lives in a different country. Some of my friends think that it is bad, some think he doesn’t exist and others are happy for me. This boy has helped heal me whether you can see it physically or mentally, I went through a rough stage where I kept having mental breakdowns and panic attacks from over thinking things and he was there for me through it all whereas Noah would have not stayed it contact with me because I was now ‘fucked up’ in his eyes. This boy has kept me stable and kept me going along with my best friends, He believes in my aspirations and dreams, we tell each other everything whether it is important or not. His best friend G is the complete opposite of Noahs friends, G is kind and is happy as I have changed his best friend. We both really like each other but I don’t know if I am ready for another relationship but this guy is so different compared to all the other boys that I know that aren’t dickheads, he travels to see me and drops everything when I a feeling down to make me happy. He knows me inside out and I know him inside out, people say it is bad for me as he is older and he is probably just using me but let me tell you something, I know every single side of this boy including the good and bad. We both know each other’s history and we are there for each other. I am so thankful for him as he has fixed me and made me better, not everyone knows this story. I hid facts and things from people and I am so sorry if I was rude to you, ignored you, didn’t tell you or just didn’t talk to you all together. I may have hidden this for a while but I can tell you now I am proud that I know this boy and I thank everyone else that is there for me through thick and thin. A lot of the boys that I have dated in the past have were dickheads or have become one and I admit that I was stupid as I only had actual feelings for a few of them, I was still growing up and I still am but I had no concept of what love is but now I understand it. Noah destroyed me and I have brought myself back and better than ever, I am trying new things, doing new things, making new memories and changing myself into someone and something I can understand and accept. With all the stereotypes of people today and standards that you have to keep up to I feel pressured but I need to change the way I feel by society and have to follow my own emotions and believe myself, not what others tell me. I like to listen to other people’s stories or read them as at the end you get the moral and you can learn a life skill. I love to read and write as you learn many new things, when writing you are creating a world/reality of your own along with a journey of your own that others follow and enjoy with you. When reading, you are sucked into the authors alternate world and you swept away with the story and the plot, most of the time I get hooked onto a character so when something major happens to them I feel like it is also happening to me. That’s why at the moment I feel like my life is a book as you have the good and the bad and it always ends with something good but you always have people that get in your way and try to stop you along the way. Time- the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. time can disappear by the blink of an eye. if you use it wisely it can repay you, spend time with friends, watch television, and do stupid assignments. time is always being wasted these days. you don't have time to do your things but to do others and it can get very frustrating. like who wants to go see someone that knows you but you don't see that person very often. I love doing things that i know create me and make me and everyone else unique. i got one of the best marks i got in English and it took time for us to get them back but it was totally worth it. I did spend most of my time creating it ,so it paid off maybe it did maybe it didn't. This year in school i am trying harder than last year but when you always get bad science teachers that don't care about crap and don't even know how to to make a class like you you have a really hard time. this year i have an alright class there are a few people i hate and there are people that i know and love or i have known them forever. i like my classes but its always the teachers that destroy a class. time can't change that no matter how many times they give you detentions or warnings or because one person talked back or didn't complete there homework that the whole class has to stay in. time is wasted by everyone but at the same time it is loved by all. the past is behind and you better hope that you used it well as now is not always good but the future is still to come and we need to control like we own it.
i have not written in forever and i know that but i am going to start writing at least once a fortnight. this week my dad had an incident and is lucky that he is still here, as we are very close it hurts me to know how much pain he is in. that's when i made a decision, Whenever people ask me what i want to be when i am older i just say the first thing that pops into my head but now i just go with the i do not know. I do know but i have never told anyone and this week i have the need to share it. Social media: are computer-mediated technologies that allow the creating and sharing of information, ideas, career interests and other forms of expression via virtual communities and networks. i am on social media 24/7, whenever, wherever and however i can. i am watching youtube whenever i can sometimes i can be on there all weekend. it does annoy my parents but its what i love to do and they cant control that. i want to be a social media star because i want to make people happy, i want to meet new people, go new places and most of all i get to be creative and still be me. yes i know that it is a big dream but dreams can happen if you wish really hard. i love to dance, write, gossip, shop, fashionista, do make-up, sport, reading and i get to interpret all that with my dream job. i don't care if people think negatively about it, i can ignore the hate as long as i am doing what i love and i hope that i get to take you on that journey.
Hey guys this is so cool that I can now interact with you on here. Yes, I know that I haven’t posted anything as I have been so busy with packing, exams, and assignments. If anyone wants to get in contact with me just comment your ig, snap-chat, twitter or email and we can chat through there. I need your opinion as I love to dance and I am thinking whether or not to start a YouTube channel for dancing and doing cool and bizarre challenges. Dancing and saying weird things and doing weird things are important to me along with soccer and other sports. Friendship has a big meaning to me as I was kicked out of groups bullied and so on in primary school. But towards the end I made a group of friends who I had always been close with and now most of us are so close that we never want to let go of each other. Now that I am in high school I have a squad with people from all different primary schools and we can never leave each other during school, we rely on each other for helping each other or when we are having a rough day. Friends are always there for you no matter how young, old, tall or small they are. All friends tell secrets to each other and others need to build on their friendship after having a massive fight. People you trust you need to make sure that you can, for example you tell them a secret and then they tell everyone and you get laughed at its not fun.But with family you always need to give them your trust because in return you will receive things that they think you deserve. You don’t always like everyone in your whole family, it may be because they were rude, always yelling, only nice when they want something. |